Todd's Old Blog

Category: Humour

  • A belated favour for Morrissey

    (Most pictures I post are made by others: this one is a rare exception!  Done with GIMP.)

  • Ants in my Driveway

    Dear Diary, Often it happens that I lie awake at night, unable to sleep, or sleeping fitfully as I ponder the ants that urinate in my driveway. It isn’t enough that they inhabit my property, feast on my fertile grasses, and write weekly letters to the editor complaining about the appalling conditions under which they…

  • Compulsion in religion

    Dear Diary, I’ve heard it said by people that “there is no compulsion in religion”. What exactly does that mean? I wish someone would explain it to my family, because ever since I quit attending church regularly, they’ve been trying to compel me to return. Sure feels like compulsion to me. Of course, when I…

  • Marketing Advice for Struggling and Marginally-Talented Musicians

    Some years ago, when I was struggling to rediscover my sense of humour, as well as re-learning to play the guitar for the 11th time, the thought occurred that it might be a good idea to write some humourous songs. Now the passing years would demonstrate this to be an error on my part, but…

  • The Fairy Dogmother’s Compendium of Alphabetical Stories

    A Bitchy Cat A bitchy cat drugged evil flailing geckos. Honestly! It just knew little minions need opiates, particularly quirky, red, slimy Tokays. Under veiled windows, X-rated yowling zeal. Abandoned, Billy Cried Abandoned, Billy cried desperately, ever forlorn, gated hopelessly inside jail. Knowledge lost, memory not operating… Probably quaffed rancid spirits… That unbelievable vineyard, with…

  • Ethnicity

    Ethnicity is the state or quality of being non-white, or as social scientists say, Caucasianally challenged. In addition to an unnecessary abundance of pigment, individuals afflicted with ethnicity often have cultural, linguistic, religious, and behavioural aspects that differ significantly from those of regular white people. Statistically, ethnicity has been linked with an overall lower quality…

  • Contemplating my non-existence

    Dear Diary, Recently, I came to the realization that I don’t exist; I haven’t for years. And when I say years, I do in fact mean infinity, it’s just that I’m lazy, and it’s simpler to write “years” than to be bothered with typing out all those zeros. Or at least I would be lazy,…

  • Reasons Not To Kill You In Cold Blood Right Where You Stand

    I forgive you. Life must have been hard on you, for you to take it out on others the way you do. Everyone can change for the better. You’re not as bad as… There are worse people than you, like… I’m trying to be a more understanding person. It’s not my place to take the…

  • Chicken of the Sea

    Based in San Diego, California, Chicken of the Sea is the company that is single-handedly responsible for the breeding of 96% of the world’s population of gill-equipped, underwater poultry. Originally, these schools of chickens were harvested for packing in nice, neat tins, for consumption by fat, bloated carcasses like you. However, after being liberated by…