Ethnicity

Ethnicity is the state or quality of being non-white, or as social scientists say, Caucasianally challenged. In addition to an unnecessary abundance of pigment, individuals afflicted with ethnicity often have cultural, linguistic, religious, and behavioural aspects that differ significantly from those of regular white people.

Statistically, ethnicity has been linked with an overall lower quality of life, though no-one has gone on public record to proclaim any causal effect here — presumably to avoid being labelled a racist eugenic son of a bitch, then chased down by a mob and forcedly castrated using commonly available automotive repair tools, before being crucified and burned after being duct-taped to the golden arches of a nearby McDonalds.

The emerging field of ethnography is doing some investigative work to better understand ethnicity, but as far as anyone can tell, it’s just another made-up pseudo-scientific discipline founded by people who were too dumb to make it into medical school.

Causes

Ethnicity has a presumed biological component, primarily propagating by way of sexual transmission. However, some theories also speculate that the condition may spread equally virulently by social learning.

Controlled laboratory studies are not possible at this time, given current cultural mores and ethical review boards prohibiting the live capture and forceful confinement of human subjects. It is hoped that as popular opinion sways towards more invasive studies of human reproduction, that homeless people and prostitutes of various racial profiles may be rounded up in large trucks, sequestered in abandoned warehouses, and compelled to mate with various partners for fear of being electrocuted with cattle prods. This direct and managed approach, free of any of the irritating restrictions imposed by regard for human dignity and freedom of choice, will provide the kind of real data that medical science requires to understand this strange phenomenon.

Symptoms

Please note that the following section endeavours (unsuccessfully) to be an exhaustive list of possible symptoms, unlikely to be possessed by a single person. Should you meet a person with all the criteria below, please notify police immediately.

Biological

A generally strange, unique or “exotic” appearance.
Abnormal hair texture.
Increased risk of rare diseases or conditions like Sickle Cell Anemia, Feng Shui, or breakdancing.
Diminished capacity for intellectual development, as evidenced by low scores on standardized IQ tests.
Allergic reaction to basic hygiene, gainful employment, or marital fidelity.

Cultural

Strong preference for odd music and weird food.
Questionable fashion choices.
Excessive modesty, or a complete lack of it.
Belief that certain household pets are viable food sources, or that certain food sources should be revered as sacred entities.
Celebration of holidays that don’t appear in the calendar.

Behavioural

Acceptance of kissing and hugging between men as proper behaviour, even between normal heterosexual men.
Increased likelihood to commit extremely serious minor crimes, like stealing food, necessitating long prison incarcerations at taxpayers’ expense.
Belief that social assistance payments are a basic human right, akin to the (illusion of) freedom of speech or even the (questionable) right to live.

Linguistic

Unintelligible, seemly made-up strings of random vowels and consonants, clicks, or grunts.
Heavily accented, mispronounced, and/or laborious delivery of English.
Failure to comprehend or appropriately express common figures of speech.
Exaggerated or excited manner of verbal presentation, the likes of which would never be seen from a television news anchorperson.
Often push for bilingualism, probably just as an excuse NOT to know English.

Religious

Belief in something other than God, or belief in some made-up god.

Prognosis

At best, the prognosis for those with this affliction is poor, at worst — bleak. Learned experts recommend avoiding exposure to situations where it might be possible to contact ethnicity. As such, risky behaviours like hanging out at hip hop clubs and engaging in conversation with your taxi driver are strongly discouraged.

Robert Lee Moore (1882-1974), the noted racist mathematician perhaps expressed it best when he wrote: