Too stupid to learn Klingon? Relax!
Have you been rejected by the Über-nerds at Star Trek Conventions? Rejoice!
Tamarian is the language spoken by the Children of Tamar, first heard in the episode “Darmok” from the fifth season of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Unlike traditional earth speech, it relies on metaphor and allegory to communicate meaning.
This confounded Starfleet for years, despite the long existence of the Universal Translator, which can somehow resolve all sorts of obscure clicks and bloobs into recognizable English speech, yet was somehow unable to cross-reference obvious proper nouns with the names in its own cultural databases.
Now, for the first time, you too can learn to speak an alien tongue by expressing earth allegories using Tamarian syntax. Just review the Tamarian phrases given as examples, then create your own phrases using earth references.
NOTE: For best results, use well-known celebrity references, but avoid overutilized references like Michael Jackson or O.J. Simpson. Failure to do so may result in the listener breaking off the conversation and leaving (“Kiteo, his eyes closed.”) or attacking you unexpectedly (“Uzani, his army at Lashmir.”)
Tamarian
| Cultural Reference | Meaning |
| Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra. | Friendship as a result of a fight against a common enemy. |
| Shaka, when the walls fell. | Failure. |
| Sokath, his eyes uncovered (or, his eyes open). | An understanding or realization has been achieved. |
| Kailash, when it rises. | An accident or unavoidable loss (e.g. natural disaster). |
North American English
| Cultural Reference | Meaning |
| Pam and Tommy on Lake Mead. | An act of stupidity or impulsiveness, especially one with wide repercussions. |
| Janet, her nipple uncovered. | A futile cry for help or attention, usually from a desperate person. |
| Martha, on home detention. | A joke or farce. |
| Shatner, his toupee unfurled. (May substitute Shatner with Marv Albert, Sam Donaldson, Elton John or Burt Reynolds) | A flimsy lie, an embarrassment, or some other uncomfortable truth that people know about but don’t talk about. |
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