Tag: Dear Diary
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Ants in my Driveway
Dear Diary, Often it happens that I lie awake at night, unable to sleep, or sleeping fitfully as I ponder the ants that urinate in my driveway. It isn’t enough that they inhabit my property, feast on my fertile grasses, and write weekly letters to the editor complaining about the appalling conditions under which they…
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Compulsion in religion
Dear Diary, I’ve heard it said by people that “there is no compulsion in religion”. What exactly does that mean? I wish someone would explain it to my family, because ever since I quit attending church regularly, they’ve been trying to compel me to return. Sure feels like compulsion to me. Of course, when I…
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Contemplating my non-existence
Dear Diary, Recently, I came to the realization that I don’t exist; I haven’t for years. And when I say years, I do in fact mean infinity, it’s just that I’m lazy, and it’s simpler to write “years” than to be bothered with typing out all those zeros. Or at least I would be lazy,…
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Pork is evil
Dear Diary, Yesterday I was eating a ham sandwich and I had another stark realization. Pork is evil. As wide as the gulf of understanding may be between the Muslims and the Jews, this much they can agree on: Pork is evil. Of course, they’ll continue their fervid debate on the relative merits of the…