Moms, Dads: Consider yourself crowdsourced.
I’m a happily-married father of three girls (two, four, and six) who’s witnessed his involvements outside work, home, and family dwindle from some to little, then from little to nothing, and more recently from near-nothing to near-something. I could use some perspective about what a realistic expectation is because for the last ten years I feel like I’ve existed within a social vacuum. What’s normal for a married guy in my shoes?
When I first met my wife I ran my own incorporated small business. I shopped at will. I played bass guitar in a band and gigged a couple of nights a week. I worked out at a health club regularly. I had half-a-dozen friends that I connected with for walks, hiking, biking, and the like. It was pleasurable and mostly-fulfilling, but arguably self-indulgent.
I gave all that up when her life took her across the country, and threatened to take her away from me. I closed the business, quit the band, and packed my life into a U-Haul van. Several days and nearly 4,000 kilometers later we began to rebuild our new life together. It’s fulfilling in many ways, but nothing that could be accused of being remotely self-indulgent. Our spare time and spare dollars go to our kids, for their present and their future.
Presently I don’t have any friends outside of work colleagues. I don’t spend at will. Most of “my stuff” is over ten years old. All of my clothes for the last seven years (except socks and underwear) have been from Salvation Army and Value Village. All of our recently acquired home entertainment gear are anniversary gifts from last year. I don’t have any friends. I don’t have hobbies. I haven’t played in any kind of band, even a garage band, since 2003. I haven’t seen the inside of a health club in 10 years. I don’t have friends. I often joke with my wife, only half-jokingly, that we’re in the business of raising children. Did I mention that I don’t have a friend?
I love my wife and kids. Particularly in the last three years, my marriage has gotten really good. We’ve hit that pivotal point where we’ve endured hardship, survived handily — even prospered somewhat. We trust that whatever happens, we’ll make it, because so much has happened already. And my kids? If they don’t exceed my accomplishments in education, career and life happiness, I’ll consider myself as a failure as a parent.
At this point in my life my wife has agreed that one evening out every second week, of 3 or 4 hours in duration, wouldn’t cause undue hardship to her or the kids.
How does this sound? It took a long time to get to this level of free time. Is it excessive? What are things like at your place? Give me your thoughts! Be honest; be explicit. I’d really love to get some idea of what’s reasonable, but I don’t have the peer group to swap notes with because as I might have said, I don’t have… well, you know. 🙂
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